If you’re a conscious person who is continually looking for ways to grow, then you probably realize that loving yourself is important.

However, you may be doing all of the things on the self-care list, and still somehow self-love feels more like another “to-do” than an actual felt experience.

​That’s because self-love isn’t an activity that you do, like having a bubble bath with candles and incense.

Opening to Love

Think of the times you have felt the most love with another person, whether it was a partner, a child, or even an animal. Those times of love were probably effortless.

You weren’t trying to love.

You were just experiencing the connection and allowing it to be just as it was.

It is the same idea with self-love, although we often complicate matters by thinking that we need to meet certain conditions or do certain things in order to be able to love ourselves.

​But the truth is, there is an infinite supply of love available to you at any time.

Welcoming Every Part of Yourself

True self love happens when you allow yourself to be exactly as you are. You witness yourself in your entirety.

You acknowledge the parts of yourself that you have been unwilling to acknowledge, and meet them with understanding and acceptance.

You rest with yourself, being with all parts of yourself the way you would be with a dear friend.

Then you can ask yourself, what do I need right now? What would feel wonderful right now?

In this way, you allow self-love to inform your self-care. When you approach self-care this way, then you might find that having a bubble bath is exactly what would feel amazing to you right now. Or, you might find that all you need is to rest in loving presence with yourself, feeling your experience exactly as it is.

Self-care might look like a big cry, or dancing your heart out, or doing nothing at all.

The problem with a lot of "self-care" is that it often happens from a place of wanting to change your current experience. Wanting to make yourself feel differently than you are feeling now.

It starts with a denial of our present-moment experience rather than a loving acceptance of it. This approach to self-care may help you to feel a bit more relaxed, but it doesn’t get to the heart of things.

It’s impossible for me to tell you what to do to love yourself and care for yourself. Only you know that. Plus, what to do to love yourself will change from day to day, from moment to moment.

​When you approach yourself and your experience with love and acceptance, you will always be able to give yourself the love and care you need in the moment.

Cultivating True Self Love

The best thing you can do to deepen your self love is to cultivate a practice of paying close attention to your body and your emotions, and meeting every experience with deep acceptance.

Practice feeling the things that are hard to feel. Because they are part of you too and self-love is not true and unconditional if you avoid feeling the full spectrum of emotions and experiences.

Having a spirit of curiosity and wonder is key.

That way, when you have a certain feeling, or a desire, or you feel tired or unmotivated, or however you feel - rather than shutting the feeling or desire down, or avoiding feeling the uncomfortable thing, or judging yourself for the way you are feeling, you can get curious, be present with the feeling, and learn in that moment what you can do to best love and support yourself.

Self Love and Your Relationship

Cultivating this practice of accepting and loving all parts of yourself and your experience opens the doors to loving and accepting all parts of others and their experiences as well.

The more you open up to all parts of yourself, the more you understand yourself and have the ability to hold space for shifting experiences. The more you can do this for yourself, the more you can do this for those you love.

​When you bring this same open curiosity and loving acceptance to your relationship, you will create a container of safety and growth, and you’ll encourage your partner to love and accept themselves more fully as well.

Fertile Ground for Growth

In my coaching experience I’ve heard a common concern - “If I accept myself fully as I am right now, then how will I get myself to grow and improve?”.

Many people have the misconception that some amount of self-judgement and self-criticism is necessary to motivate yourself to grow.

In my experience, this is not the case. While self-judgement and self-criticism can work as short-term motivators for some, the result is usually that even after having accomplished something that you wanted to accomplish, the judgement and criticism remain.

You are left with a feeling of never being able to fully enjoy and celebrate your accomplishments, or never truly feel like a success.

​However when you cultivate the fertile soil of self-love and total self-acceptance, you will find that a channel of creativity and inspiration opens up. Rather than being motivated by pressure, your motivation becomes one of love. You serve, you accomplish, because you want to.

Your goals and dreams are planted in fertile soil. When you can love yourself and your life as it is right now, you set yourself up to love the life that you are working on creating.

​And, as you move forward in the direction of your goals and dreams, challenges will inevitably come up. When you are committed to self love and self acceptance, then you can face these challenges by embracing them, learning from them, and alchemizing them into creative power.

Put it Into Practice

Here are 2 things you can do to intentionally cultivate deeper self love:

Give these practices a try for at least a week, and notice how you feel.

I'd love to hear about your experience if you do the practices!

​Send me an email at hello@abundantcouples.com (or hit “reply” to any of my Love Letters), or DM me on Instagram @abundantcouples