Wednesday, November 20, 2024
“It’s not enough to think problems through forward. You must also think in reverse, much like the rustic who wanted to know where he was going to die so that he’d never go there. Indeed, many problems can’t be solved forward.”
- Charlie Munger
Solving Problems Backwards
It might be strange to see a quote from Charlie Munger in a blog about relationships. But, the most skilled investors have mastered the process of making great decisions, and thinking through problems to find the best course of action. These are skills that are useful in every area, including relationships.
This “reverse” thinking through problems is also known as inversion thinking, and it’s a tool that has been used by many great thinkers throughout history.
In this case, the “problem” we are solving is: “how do I create a fulfilling, loving, and joyful relationship that deepens in love and intimacy every year?” (or your own version of that question).
Why Inversion Thinking?
I spend a lot of time talking to you about the positive ways to solve this problem - the things you should do to create an amazing relationship. Things like having a shared vision for your future, committing to growth, having a sacred sexuality practice, practicing presence, and turning your conflicts into growth.
These are all important tools to be aware of and practice. Personally, as a natural optimist, it’s easy for me to only focus on these positive things.
But being aware of the things you could do that will be detrimental to your relationship is equally important.
When you are aware of how you could mess up your relationship, you can intentionally do differently, and you can also spot a potential issue before it becomes a big problem.
Inversion thinking also helps us to notice hidden beliefs we might be carrying that we weren’t previously aware of.
As you read through this list, stay curious about whether you are doing any of these things that hurt your relationship, even a little.
It can be helpful to pay attention to your body as you read, and notice if anything on the list causes a feeling in your gut, heart, or throat like a slight contraction, sinking, fluttering, or other sensation. The body is great at giving us information that the mind isn’t aware of.
31 Ways to Mess up Your Relationship:
1. Don’t listen (or pretend you’re listening when you’re really not)
When your partner is talking, keep looking at your phone or thinking about what you are going to say next or look at them while your mind wanders elsewhere.
2. Focus on your dreams not your partner’s
Believe that your own dreams and goals take priority over your partner’s, and don’t put any effort into learning what your partner’s dreams are and how you can help make them happen.
3. Assume you know what your partner is thinking and feeling
Instead of asking them what they are thinking or feeling right now directly, assume that you already know, and act accordingly.
4. Assume your partner knows what you are thinking and feeling
Instead of telling them specifically what you are thinking or feeling, assume that your partner must already know (and then be upset when they don’t).
5. Be reactive
Have knee-jerk reactions and don’t examine them.
6. Avoid difficult conversations
When you feel there is something in between you, something on your mind or on your heart, don’t bring it up so that you don’t rock the boat. Keep it to yourself and hope it will resolve itself.
7. Don’t talk about money
Avoid talking about money, unless there is a problem, then argue about it.
8. Keep score
Keep a mental tally of the ways that you contribute and the ways that your partner contributes.
9. Keep a mental catalog of their “mistakes”
Remember the things your partner has done (that you said you had forgiven) so that you can bring it up when they are upset with you or when you are arguing.
10. Tell them how they should be feeling
Don’t give your partner the time and space to feel however they are feeling.
11. Don’t tell them what you want
Don’t tell your partner what you want – in sex and in life in general.
12. Don’t ask what they want
Assume that you know what your partner wants, or don’t think about what your partner wants at all.
13. Don’t talk about sex unless there is a problem
Avoid talking about sex, especially outside of your intimate time.
14. Keep each other guessing about sex
Don’t tell your partner what expectations you have about sex, or what you want your sex life to look like.
15. Assume that relationship and sex come naturally and you don’t need to learn
Since sex and relationship are natural things, don’t bother learning about how to do them better.
16. Blame your feelings on your partner
If you feel upset because of something your partner said or did, blame your feelings on them.
17. Talk to friends about your relationship challenges instead of your partner
Tell your friends about your relationship challenges, but don’t talk to your partner about those challenges.
18. Keep secrets
Keep secrets – big or small. Omit details, tell white lies, and partial truths.
19. Try to work out problems on your own
When you have a personal challenge, try to work it out by yourself without letting your partner in on your process.
20. Surround yourself with people who have average or poor relationships
Spend plenty of time with people that complain about their partners or with couples who bicker and put each other down.
21. Think there is something wrong with you, your relationship, or your partner
See every difficulty as another reason your relationship is flawed or that you are flawed.
22. Think that marriage or kids will solve your relationship problems
Put off resolving a challenge or talking about important things until you get married or have kids.
23. Think that if your partner just changed things would be better
Focus on what your partner should do differently and don’t think about how you contribute to the issue.
24. Assume that what you saw in your parent’s relationship is “the way it is”
Don’t question the beliefs you have about relationships based on what you learned from your parent’s relationship.
25. Show your love however it comes most naturally for you
Don’t make an effort to learn how your partner best receives love (their Love Languages).
26. Take their strengths, gifts, and actions for granted
Assume that your partner knows how much you appreciate them, so you don’t need to tell them all the time.
27. Sweep small things under the rug or “just let it go”
If a small challenge comes up, just bite your tongue and let it go, because it’s not worth bringing it up.
28. Don’t have shared goals
Focus all of your attention on the day-to-day and immediate concerns, and don’t spend time talking about your dreams and planning for your shared goals.
29. Don’t plan how you will spend and save your money
Don’t make a plan for your financial future or how you will make your lifestyle goals happen.
30. Don’t plan for the worst case
Don’t prepare for the worst-case scenarios in your life together.
31. Don’t plan for the best case
Don’t dream too big and avoid making serious plans to create your best life together
Whew, that was a lot - let’s all take a deep breath.
Put it into Practice
What is 1 thing on this list that you are doing or have done that you will stop doing? (Or 3 things, or 5…)
Share what you learned from this exercise with your partner. Tell them what you realized you’ve been doing, and how you are going to stop doing it.
This is the most important part if you are seriously committed to creating a great relationship.
Information is great, but it’s useless if you don’t do anything with it. And in this case, doing something with it means talking with your partner, and making real changes in your thinking and your behaviour.
Stated in the Positive
Now, this list also serves as a great punch list for things you can do to cultivate a great relationship - the opposite of these things.
So, here is a quick look of the opposites (or you can go through the list and determine the opposites yourself!):
1. Listen with full presence.
2. Nurture your partner’s dreams along with your own.
3. Ask what your partner is thinking and feeling, don’t assume.
4. Express honestly what you are thinking and feeling, don’t assume that your partner knows.
5. Step in between stimulus and response to choose a more optimal response.
6. Lean into difficult conversations and grow from them.
7. Have regular positive and constructive conversations about money.
8. Recognize that you are a team, communicate your needs, and share
responsibilities in a way that works for both of you.
9. Resolve and alchemize your conflicts fully so nothing lingers.
10. Honour your partner’s feelings and give them the time and space to feel fully.
11. Learn to know what you want more deeply, and express this to your partner.
12. Ask about what your partner wants and encourage them to explore their desires.
13. Have regular conversations about sex and have an inspiring vision for your sex life.
14. Talk openly together about what you want from your sex life.
15. Be committed to growth as a couple and continually learn together and grow together.
16. Take responsibility for your own feelings and investigate them to deepen your understanding of yourself.
17. When you have a challenge in your relationship, talk with your partner about it as soon as possible. Don’t complain about your partner to others without addressing the issue with your partner.
18. Build a foundation of trust in your relationship by being totally honest with each other.
19. Get support from a coach or therapist to help create an amazing relationship. Share your process with your partner - you don’t need to have it all figured out to have a great relationship.
20. Surround yourself with people who have the kind of relationship that you want to have.
21. Recognize challenges as reverse indicators - it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with your relationship, it means you have a sacred opportunity to grow together.
22. Recognize that external circumstances won’t change the essence of your relationship - don’t put off tough or important conversations hoping circumstances will change things.
23. Take responsibility for your part in things and remember that you can’t change your partner, but you can change yourself (in other words, be the change you wish to see).
24. Become aware of and question the beliefs about relationships you picked up from your parents, the media, and others as a child. Choose more empowering beliefs.
25. Learn your partner’s Love Languages and demonstrate your love in the way they receive it the best.
26. Express your appreciation for your partner, their actions, and their strengths often.
27. Don’t sweep things under the rug - small things build up over time. Address the small challenges together and grow from them.
28. Have inspiring shared goals for your future together and talk about them often.
29. Create an aligned plan together for saving and spending your money.
30. Plan for the worst-case scenarios together so that you are prepared for anything.
31. Plan for the best-case scenario - what do you really want? Allow yourselves to think big and make plans to create your best life together.
You can now copy and paste this directly with the numbering intact.
I’d love to hear from you - which item stood out the most for you? What surprised you?
Send me an email at hello@abundantcouples.com (or hit “reply” to any of my Love Letters), or DM me on Instagram @abundantcouples.
Love + Pleasure Coach
I help you find deep pleasure in your life, body, business and relationship so you can live a thriving life aligned with your purpose.