Wednesday, November 20, 2024
I had a conversation with a coaching client who had recently started a new job - let’s call him Mike.
He was concerned that the additional time commitment of the job might have an impact on his relationship, since he would have less time to spend with his partner.
He asked a great question:
“How can I have the same connection (or even more) with my partner, in less time?”
This led me to a relationship tool that I call Celebration Resonance, a more powerful way to say thank you.
This is a beautiful tool because it has the power to produce a deeper connection and more warm fuzzies in your relationship with the same amount of time and effort. It’s just a shift in approach.
Think of something that you appreciate your partner for - in particular, a quality or strength that they demonstrate that you think is awesome.
In the case of Mike, he appreciated his girlfriend’s generosity and caring. Specifically, she makes his lunches and he’s grateful for that.
I asked him, how do you usually show your appreciation for her making your lunch?
He does what most of us do - he says thank you.
And he means it.
But here’s the thing:
We often say “thank you”, or “you’re the best” and we assume that our partner knows how much we really appreciate them.
However most of the time, an exchange of appreciation in the form of a thank you stays fairly surface level. We register it with the mind but don’t really feel it with the heart.
As a love and relationship coach, I am all about bringing exchanges to a deeper level. Making the most out of small moments of connection.
We have so many small moments of interaction in a day, so why not use those to generate more love?
Here is how I suggested Mike could express his appreciation instead:
First, start with an observation. Describe how you see your partner demonstrating the quality or strength, or how you experience the benefit of it.
Eg. When I’m at work and I eat the lunch you made for me….
Next, describe how you feel because of them enacting this strength.
Eg. I feel so grateful that you took the time and effort to make this food for me.
Then, Celebrate the specific strength.
Eg. I really appreciate how caring and generous you are.
… a big step up from “Thank you”, right?
It takes the same amount of time (maybe a few seconds more) and the same amount of effort, but it will create a beautiful resonance for both of you - a moment of true connection.
I will give you another example from my own relationship:
I appreciate that Matt is a great money manager and takes the lead on the finances.
I could tell him that by saying “thanks a lot for taking care of the finances”, or something to that effect. And that would be nice.
But, how about this approach:
"Matt, when I know that you are managing our finances so skillfully, I feel secure and cared for. I am so grateful for the time and attention you spend taking care of our money. Thank you."
The fun thing is, I actually expressed my appreciation in both ways to Matt, and when I did it using Celebration Resonance, we both got tears in our eyes. We both felt the welling of love and warmth.
The main difference between the approaches is that with with Celebration Resonance you are celebrating a specific strength of your partner’s, and you are sharing how it makes you feel.
This is powerful for 2 main reasons:
#1 When you celebrate your partner’s strengths, you encourage them to express those strengths more frequently.
Putting your top strengths to use more frequently is a scientifically proven way to increase happiness and flourishing.
So, through your appreciation, you are encouraging the growth and flourishing of your partner. Awesome!!
#2 When you describe how you feel as a result of your partner exhibiting this strength, you are making them aware of the positive impact they are having.
Everyone loves to know that their actions have positive impacts, especially on those they love most.
Describing your emotional experience also shows them how much you appreciate them more effectively than attempting to describe how much you appreciate them.
And, in a way that is hard to describe, when you express your true emotional experience, it most often creates an emotional experience for the other.
That's why I call it Celebration Resonance.
Signature Strengths
This whole idea becomes even more powerful when you know the Signature Strengths of your partner.
If you don’t know your top 5 strengths or your partner’s, you can take the test for free from VIA here: https://www.viacharacter.org/
These top 5 strengths are the qualities that, when expressed frequently, increase your sense of happiness and flourishing.
There is a fun game that we play using these called Strengths Spotting.
Basically, learn your partner’s top 5 strengths, and then be on the lookout for moments when they are putting them in action.
Then, celebrate them specifically for their use of that strength. Use the same steps of Celebration Resonance described above.
Doing this, you are not only encouraging each other to grow and flourish, but you will find many small moments throughout your day to amplify the love between you.
Your Turn
What are some of your partner’s top strengths? You can ask them to take the VIA Signature Strengths test, and in the meantime can guess what you think probably are.
What is a specific thing that your partner does that demonstrates that strength, that you really appreciate?
Now, use the 3 parts of Celebration Resonance to express your appreciation to your partner:
1. Observation: how you noticed them putting their strength in action. (“When you…”)
2. Feelings (“I felt…”)
3. Celebration (“I appreciate….”)
If you give it a try, I’d love to hear what difference you notice! Send me a message on instagram or email me at hello@abundantcouples.com.
Love + Pleasure Coach
I help you find deep pleasure in your life, body, business and relationship so you can live a thriving life aligned with your purpose.